The Lord of The Cuts: The Return of The Director
by Walter Bryan Cranston White
Summary: The final chapter of this epic trilogy. Will the cut be released? Will Human Kite escape Nickelodeon? And which Freedom Pal will quit the Freedom Pals?


In some random forest.

Toolshed, Tupperware, Cal Girl, Doctor Timothy, Mosquito and Mysterion were in a random forest camping.

Toolshed: So again Mysterion, what happened?

Mysterion: Well I just continued falling with Bill. We fought for a bit. I stabbed Bill in the heart, but Bill hit me and I got impaled by a spike.

Toolshed, Tupperware, Call Girl, Doctor Timothy and Mosquito started laughing.

Toolshed: There you go, with the you're immortal jokes. Boy I missed those.

Tupperware: Come on Kenny be honest.

Mysterion sighed.

Mysterion: Every time. Fine uhhhhhhh...I fell until I was rescued by Mike Myers.

Mosquito: Mike Myers?

Call Girl: Who?

Doctor Timothy: He's Shrek. You never heard of Mike Myers?

Call Girl: I know Shrek, does that count?

Tupperware: Is that where Mike Myers was for the last 9 years?

Mysterion: I asked him that same question, but he said he was down there for three months. Mike than took me here and I've been here with him until Call Girl and Doctor Timothy arrived.

Doctor Timothy: _He's here?_

They heard a noise and see Mike Myers taking a mud shower.

Mike: Aww that's nice.

Toolshed: Aww man gross!

Mike: This is what I've been doing for nine years. Even when I was in Bohemian Rhapsody, I took mud showers. You should've seen the look on Rami Malik's face.

Mosquito: Bzz, it's making my eyes water.

Doctor Timothy: _I promise I'll erase your memories of this._

Toolshed: Anyway, we gotta get to Warner Brothers.

Call Girl: But which way do we go?

Mike: Oh that's easy, you just gotta keep going East.

Tupperware: Uhhhh. Thanks.

Mike Myers turns around to face the others.

Mike: Don't mention it.

Call Girl: Eww eww eww.

Doctor Timothy: _Turn around and let's get to Warner Brothers as fast as we can._

The group started to make their way to Warner Brothers.

Meanwhile.

The Coon and Zack make it to Warner Brothers studios.

Zack: Yes. This is it master.

The Coon: Yes. I can have the cut to-Da fuck.

When they got to the main entrance they discovered it was surrounded by protesters.

The Coon: What the fuck?

The Coon approached one of the protesters.

The Coon: Excuse me, what's this?

The protester turned out to be Jason Momoa.

Jason: Hey, Racoon boy.

Zack: Jason?

Jason: Hey Zack. My man.

The Coon: What is this?

Jason: This a protest, to release the Snyder cut. And it's being lead by Ben Affleck.

The Coon: Oh.

Jason: Where are the others?

The Coon: Oh we kind of split.

Jason: That sucks.

The Coon: Can we get past?

Jason: Well unfortunately we can't. Ben's blocking's the entrance.

The Coon: Zack, is there a back entrance?

Zack: Zack doesn't know any back entrance.

The Coon: Motherfucker!

Jason: Sorry dudes. Looks like you'll have to find a creative and convenient way to get past.

The Coon and Zack start to walk away.

Zack: Looks like master and Zack have to go and cancel our quest. **You idiot we can't do it.** But Snyder thinks we should. **No, we get the cut.**

The Coon: Hold on Snyder, I got the perfect idea. I know a guy.

Nickelodeon studios.

Human Kite woke up tied to a chair.

Human Kite: What the fuck?

Dan Schneider: Hello there.

Human Kite: Can you untie me?

Dan Schneider: Not really. You were sneaking around Nickelodeon and interrupted the filming of Henry Danger. So, this is how it's gonna work, you are gonna tell me what you're doing around Nickelodeon studios and I'll let you go. Sound good?

Human Kite: I'll tell you the truth.

Dan Schneider: Good. What were you doing sneaking around Nickelodeon?

Human Kite: I was only passing through, I wanna get to Warner Brothers so I can publicly release the Snyder cut.

Dan Schneider: No, I'm not convinced. Proceed with the filming.

Human Kite: What filming?

The two actors who play Captain Man and Kid Danger show up on set.

Captain Man: Boy I guess the cyber troll just got trashed.

Laugh track.

Human Kite: That wasn't even a good line.

Kid Danger: That isn't even a good line.

Laugh track.

Human Kite: Still not funny.

Captain Man: Well we did throw the troll into a trash can.

Laugh track.

Human Kite: Stop it! Please for god sake!

Human Kite screamed.

Meanwhile.

The others make it to a sign pointing to Nickelodeon.

Toolshed: Which way do we go now?

Doctor Timothy looked worried.

Mosquito: Something wrong Doctor?

Doctor Timothy: _I was hearing the sounds of someone screaming and than it was suddenly silenced, like either that person was killed or it stopped._

Mysterion: Which way do we go now?

Doctor Timothy: _Mysterion, Call Girl and Toolshed you take the Nickelodeon path. While Mosquito, Tupperware and I will go down the other path._

Toolshed: Very well.

Mysterion: Should we be cautious about going to Nickelodeon studios?

Toolshed: Why?

Mysterion: Because I don't want to run into a filming of one of their crappy sitcoms.

Meanwhile.

Human Kite was still being tortured.

Human Kite screamed.

Captain Man: Put that down evil man.

Laugh track.

Evil Man: Never Captain Man. Your manliness is going down the toilet.

Laugh track.

Human Kite: Stop it! Help me!

Meanwhile.

Warner Brothers.

Ben and the protesters were still protesting.

Ben: Give us the Snyder cut! Now!

Jason: Please, Ben's not gonna stop.

Ben: Don't give Robert Pattinson a chance to be Batman!

Voice: Oh Ben.

Ben Affleck turns his head to where the voice was coming from.

It was The Coon using a hand puppet wearing a wig and had lipstick.

Ben: Miss Lopez?

Jennifer: Oh Ben.

Ben: But wait a minute, weren't you a con artist?

Jennifer: No that wasn't me. That was some other guy.

Ben: Ok give me evidence that you're my Jennifer.

Jennifer: How about I lend you a sucky Ben?

The Coon did a nervous laugh.

The Coon: Hold on a minute.

The Coon walked away to chat with Jennifer.

The Coon: What are you doing?

The Coon removed the wig and it turns out that Jennifer Lopez was in fact Mitch Conner.

Mitch: What?

The Coon: You will not give Ben Affleck a blow job.

Mitch: Why not?

The Coon: Because-You know?

Mitch: Don't worry, I learnt from Jennifer Garner that he passes out when someone gives him a blow job.

The Coon sighed.

The Coon: Alright fine.

Mitch: Don't worry this'll be over and done with.

4 hours later.

Mitch was covered in white stuff.

Mitch: Ok that took longer than expected.

The Coon: Well at least we'll-

They notice Zack.

Zack: Oh hi.

The Coon: You're still here.

Zack: Yes. Snyder is loyal to his masters

Mitch: I'm pretty sure he's planning to betray us.

The Coon: Not while he's on a leash.

The Coon tied a rope around Zack's wrists.

Mitch: Smart thinking.

Meanwhile.

Toolshed, Mysterion and Call Girl were walking down the path to Nickelodeon.

Call Girl:...And that is why I think Mr Garrison should be impeached.

Mysterion: All that in four hours?

Toolshed: Oh shit.

Call Girl: What?

Toolshed pulls something out of his pocket.

Meanwhile.

Doctor Timothy, Mosquito and Tupperware were wandering down the path.

Suddenly Doctor Timothy's wheelchair stopped working.

Doctor Timothy: _Anyone got any batteries for my wheelchair?_

Tupperware: I think Toolshed had them.

Doctor Timothy: _Hey Tool-Oh fuck!_

Mosquito: What?!

Tupperware: He's with other group.

Doctor Timothy: _Should've thought this through._ _How are we gonna get me some new batteries?_

Mosquito: Maybe that house might might have some or the owner might know the nearest location.

Mosquito points to the house with the initials of A and S.

They walk to the door.

Tupperware: I hope this isn't Adam Sandler's house.

Mosquito: No.

They knock on the door.

The door opens to reveal Amy Schumer.

Amy: OMG I got visitors.

Doctor Timothy: _It's someone worse._

Nickelodeon studios.

Toolshed, Mysterion and Call Girl were approaching the studio.

Toolshed: Alright, lets cut through here.

Suddenly they heard screaming.

Call Girl: What was that?

Toolshed: Sounds like the live studio audience on a Nickelodeon sitcom.

Mysterion: No they don't have any.

The screaming was heard again.

Toolshed: I know that scream. Kyle!

They run into Nickelodeon studios.

They run past a poster for The Thundermans.

Mysterion: Hold on.

The group stops

Mysterion grabs the poster and destroys it.

Mysterion: Sorry, I hate the show so much.

They continue to follow the scream.

Toolshed: It's coming from the set of Henry Danger.

They enter the set to see Human Kite tied to a chair.

Toolshed: Kyle.

Human Kite: Guys!

Toolshed: Where's Cartman?

Human Kite: Where do you think?

Call Girl: Son of a bitch.

Human Kite: Release me quick.

Toolshed uses his screwdrivers to cut the ropes that Human Kite was tied to.

Human Kite: Thanks Stan.

Human Kite punches Toolshed.

Human Kite runs away.

Toolshed: Kyle!

Toolshed and Call Girl run after Human Kite.

Mysterion notices the people on the set staring at him.

Dan Schneider (Whispering): Who is this kid? Is he about to wander on set? This is a live broadcast after all.

Dan approaches Mysterion.

Dan Schneider: What are you doing here?

Mysterion cracks his knuckles.

Mysterion: I'm about to cancel your show.

Meanwhile.

Toolshed and Call Girl were chasing Human Kite.

Toolshed: Kyle!

They run out of the studio.

Human Kite: Leave me alone!

They stop running.

Toolshed: Kyle! What the hell is going on?!

Call Girl: Why did you punch Stan?!

Human Kite: I can't trust you two.

Toolshed: Why? Kyle tell us.

Human Kite: Alright. I think the Snyder cut doesn't want to be released.

Toolshed: Huh?

Call Girl: What the fuck are you talking about Kyle?

Human Kite: I think the Snyder cut is alive. It doesn't want to be released. It's manipulating people into doing its bidding. It's making people think they want it for themselves. So I can't trust anyone, not even you two.

Toolshed: Kyle, I understand. Jimmy told us the same thing. The reason why he attacked you was because he was under the influence of the cut.

Human Kite: Well I still can't trust you.

Call Girl: We are not under the influence of the Snyder cut.

Human Kite: Prove it. I will release the Snyder cut.

Call Girl: Ok.

Toolshed: You son of a bitch!

Toolshed stands with shock.

Toolshed: Ok, I did not know what came over me.

Human Kite: Stan it's not your fault.

Toolshed: In truth Kyle, I think I should have the Snyder cut. No. It has to be released!

Human Kite: Well you're still not coming.

Toolshed: Corrupted or not, we started this quest and we're gonna end it together.

Human Kite sighed.

Human Kite: Alright Stan. Wendy make sure Stan doesn't try anything funny.

Call Girl: Alright Kyle.

Human Kite: I'm sorry Stan.

Toolshed: It's alright Kyle. I understand. Where's Kenny?

Mysterion exits the studio covered in blood.

Human Kite, Toolshed and Call Girl stare at Mysterion with shock.

Human Kite: What happened?

Mysterion: I did what was right.

Flashback.

Mysterion cracks his knuckles and stands in the middle of the set.

Captain Man: And than after I threw the box of fries, I said "You're fried".

Laugh track.

Mysterion: 9/11.

Laugh track.

Suddenly a phone started going off.

Dan answered his phone.

Dan Schneider: Let me explain...I understand.

Dan Schneider hangs up.

Dan Schneider: We've been cancelled.

Everyone started screaming.

Captain Man: I cant live like this.

Captain Man grabs a gun and shoots himself.

Kid Danger: I'm coming too.

Kid Danger picks up the gun and shoots himself.

Some of the blood flew into Mysterion's face.

Some of the cast and crew shoot themselves causing blood to fly onto Mysterion.

Dan Schneider: Wait for me guys.

Dan Schneider grabs a gun and shoots himself.

Mysterion: Wow! That was fucked up.

Now.

Meanwhile.

The Coon and Zack Snyder were wandering around the different sound stages of Warner Brothers.

Zack: There's the sound stage my masters.

Mitch: Good.

They open the door to the sound stage and are greeted by a bright white light.

The Coon: Ahh!

Zack: The brightness burns.

Mitch: It's not the sun guys grow up.

The white light flashes before them and they somehow end up in a room surrounded by monitors.

The Coon: Our world is fake, I knew it.

Voice: You don't know that.

They notice a chair.

The chair turns to reveal a man who looked like he was in his 70's.

Mitch: Who the fuck are you?

Man: You don't recognise me?

The Coon: No.

Man: I guess The Matrix isn't relevant anymore. They were the movies that turned Keanu Reeves into a joke before John Wick changed his image.

The Coon: Who the fuck are you?

Man: I'll tell you. My name is Helmut Bakaitis. I played The Architect in The Matrix Reloaded. The highest grossing R-rated movie of all time. It was, until it was beaten by Deadpool and those bastards at Fox, until we beaten Fox with Joker.

Mitch: Why the fuck are you getting off topic?

Helmut: Sorry. I have been here for the last two years guarding the Snyder cut just in case anyone ever came past the guards. But it appears either the guards are stupid or they are handling the protest outside.

The Coon: There were guards outside the place.

Helmut: Well than. I will start by telling some deep philosophical mumbo jumbo.

The Coon: We don't have time for that!

Helmut: Do you want the Snyder cut?

The Coon: Yes.

Helmut: Than I will begin. When you try you will succeed, when you don't try you fail. That is why-

Mitch: That isn't philosophical.

Helmut: I know. I'm just telling random shit because I don't know how to speak philosophical. That is why you should continue trying to succeed or otherwise you don't become what you set out to be and-

As Helmut continued talking The Coon spoke.

The Coon: This is going to take time.

Meanwhile.

Toolshed, Human Kite, Call Girl and Mysterion make it to the studio.

Toolshed: We're here.

Human Kite: Come on let's get in.

Doctor Timothy: _Wait for us!_

Doctor Timothy, Tupperware and Mosquito regroup with the group.

Toolshed: Guys! You're alive.

Call Girl: But Toolshed had your batteries. How did you get more?

Mosquito: We had no choice but go to Amy Schumer's house.

Toolshed: Was it easy?

Doctor Timothy: _It's a long story._

Flashback.

Tupperware: We only want batteries for an electric wheelchair. Do you know anywhere that sells them?

Amy Schumer: Oh. I don't know. But I do have some. I don't know why.

Doctor Timothy: _Ummm. Ok._

Present.

Mysterion: Well come on guys.

Tupperware: Why are you covered in blood?

Mysterion: I cancelled Henry Danger.

Tupperware: Oh thank God!

Mosquito: Aww I loved that show.

Everyone glares at Mosquito.

Mosquito: Bzz, I mean let's release that fucking cut!

The group were about to enter Warner Brothers but were stopped by Protesters.

Toolshed: Aww shit. Protesters.

Ben: You will not enter.

Call Girl: Mr Affleck, we need to get through.

Ben: No! You will not enter. You will not enter until the Snyder cut is released.

Toolshed: Aww shit!

Doctor Timothy: _Now what?_

Mysterion: Maybe we could find a way to enter by-

Voice: Phone Destroyer!

Suddenly all the protesters were electrocuted.

Call Girl: Or maybe I can use Phone Destroyer. Which I did.

Mysterion: Or that. Yes I was thinking that as well.

Toolshed: Goddammit I love her.

Meanwhile.

The Coon, Mitch and Zack were sleeping as Helmut continued droning on.

Helmut:...And that is why the Oscars will never nominate Joaquin Phoenix for Joker. Hey, I'm done now.

The Coon: You are?

Mitch: Oh finally, lets-Wait, where the fuck is Zack Snyder?!

Helmut: He went through the door, turns out it was unlocked all this time and I didn't need to drone on.

The Coon: Oh shit!

The Coon ran through the door.

Toolshed, Tupperware, Call Girl, Human Kite, Doctor Timothy, Mosquito and Mysterion enter the white room.

Helmut: Listen you have to-

The group enters the other room.

Helmut: Hey, you need to listen to my boring philosophical speeches.

In the other room.

Toolshed: Stop right there Coon!

The Coon: The Snyder cut is mine!

Mitch: No!

Human Kite: Oh God no!

The Coon: Conner what are you doing?!

Mitch: I'm glad you brung me Coon, you wanted my help, but you didn't know my true intentions. The cut won't be released.

Call Girl: Stop bullshitting us Cartman. We know you're in control of Conner.

The Coon: I swear I'm not.

Toolshed: If you aren't, than you will use that chainsaw to kill Mitch?

The Coon: What chainsaw?

Mitch: That chainsaw.

The Coon notices the chainsaw.

Call Girl: Stan that's a little dark.

Human Kite: Yeah dude.

Toolshed: Trust me, he won't cut his own hand off.

Mitch: You can't kill me Coon.

Suddenly Mitch punches The Coon.

Mitch: But I can kill you.

The Coon starts choking Mitch.

Mysterion: This is very confusing.

Mitch (Choking): What are you doing?

The Coon: Getting rid of you.

The Coon starts bashing Mitch against the wall.

Doctor Timothy: Is he really going that far?

Mitch starts to bleed.

Mosquito starts to squirm.

The Coon stops bashing Mitch against the wall.

The Coon lies on the floor.

The Coon: He's gone.

Doctor Timothy: Do you still want the Snyder cut?

The Coon: No. I'm too exhausted. Coon out.

The Coon starts sleeping.

Tupperware: Is that the end of that stupid hand puppet?

Human Kite: Hopefully. Now come on let's-Where's Toolshed?

They notice Toolshed retrieving the cut.

Human Kite: Call Girl, you were supposed to be keeping an eye on him.

Call Girl: I was distracted by Cartman smashing his hand.

Doctor Timothy: _Why are you concerned about Toolshed?_

Human Kite: He's been influenced by the Snyder cut as well.

Doctor Timothy: _Oh shit!_

Call Girl: He might not be. Stan, give the cut to me.

Toolshed turned to face the others and his eyes were bright yellow.

Tupperware: Stan?

Mosquito and Mysterion approach Toolshed.

Mosquito: You will give me the Snyder cut, bitch!

Mysterion: The cut belongs to me!

Human Kite: Oh shit! It's influenced them!

Mosquito: It belongs to me Mysterion and you know it!

Mysterion: You do realise I can beat you with my eyes closed?

Mosquito: You sure?

Suddenly Mysterion was sliced in half with a chainsaw.

And the person who killed Mysterion was Zack Snyder.

Zack: **The precious.**

Human Kite: Zack!

Mosquito: No. The precious is mine!

Zack: They deserve to see the cut. **No, they do not!** I hate having this stupid second personality!

Zack starts bashing his head against the wall.

Zack: Leave me now!

Mosquito: Wow that was-

Toolshed suddenly punches Mosquito, knocking him out.

Human Kite: Stan you need to stop this.

Toolshed: Why should I Kyle?

Call Girl: Stan I need-

Toolshed: Shut up bitch! Nobody asked for your opinion.

Call Girl stands with shock.

Toolshed: The cut should belong to me. Nobody will see it. It should be seen by only me and once I've seen it, I will destroy it so nobody will see it.

Call Girl: Stan, listen I need you to calm down. The cut doesn't wanna be released. You have to resist it. Please do it for me.

Voice: No let him watch it.

Call Girl suddenly realises that her hand has the face of Mitch Conner.

Tupperware: Oh not you.

Call Girl: I swear, I don't have any control over him. Why me Mitch? Why don't you want the cut to be released? Is it because you want it for yourself?

Mitch: No. I just don't want the cut to be released. And I'm using you so I can reveal to everyone who I am.

Suddenly Call Girl's other hand uses an orange pen to draw on Mitch's face.

Human Kite: No.

Doctor Timothy: _It can't be._

The Coon was still sleeping.

Mitch now had a ginger beard.

Mitch: That's right. I am Joss Whedon.

Mosquito: Bzz, this explains everything.

Call Girl: So this is why Justice League sucks?

Mitch: That's right. Now I will explain why the cut is cursed. I-

Human Kite: You cursed it.

Mitch: So you don't want a long boring backstory to explain everything?

Human Kite: I mean it's obvious you cursed it.

Mitch: Oh.

Toolshed was stroking the cut.

Toolshed: My precious.

Mitch: And this is the greatest achievement I have ever achieved.

Call Girl: No. I will kill you!

Mitch: It's too late. Goodbye.

Mitch disappears.

Call Girl: You bastard!

Toolshed: My precious.

Human Kite: We have to stop Stan.

Doctor Timothy: _I'm staying well away from him._

Tupperware: Me too.

Human Kite: Come on Wendy.

Human Kite and Call Girl approach Toolshed.

Call Girl: What do we do?

Human Kite: I have a plan.

Human Kite starts whispering to Call Girl.

Call Girl starts to approach Stan.

Call Girl: Stan, please stop what you're doing. For me.

Toolshed: Wendy-

Call Girl: Stan, I need you to listen to me. I need you to calm down. Stan, I love you.

Call Girl places her hand on Toolshed's shoulder and smiles.

Toolshed smiles back.

All of a sudden Toolshed uses his screwdriver to stab Call Girl in the shoulder.

Call Girl: AAAAHHHH! Fuck me!

Toolshed: Did you think that was gonna work bitch? Now the cut is-

Toolshed looks at his hand and realises the cut was gone.

Toolshed: What the?

Human Kite: Hey Stan, looking for-

Human Kite realises that the cut wasn't in his hand.

Human Kite: What the fuck?

Zack had the cut in his hand, but he wasn't acting like Gollum he was acting like a human being.

Zack: There's the son of a bitch.

Human Kite: Zack?

Call Girl: Are you gonna release the-

Suddenly Zack destroyed it by stamping on it.

Doctor Timothy: _Dude. What the fuck?!_

Zack: That was the cursed version.

Human Kite: Huh?

Zack: There's two versions of the Snyder cut. One that isn't cursed and the other that isn't. I don't know when I'll release it, but I might release it on HBO Max.

Human Kite: Why were you acting like a complete psychopath?

Zack: I was suffering multiple personality disorder. Sorry.

Toolshed: Oh my God. What happened? Wendy?

Call Girl was holding onto the screwdriver that was impaled in her shoulder.

Toolshed: Who did this to you?

Call Girl stares at Toolshed.

Toolshed: I did?

Call Girl nods.

Toolshed starts hugging Call Girl.

Toolshed: I am so sorry.

Call Girl: It's not your fault Stan.

Toolshed starts tearing up.

Toolshed: Oh God. I am so sorry.

A few days later.

Freedom Pals base.

Toolshed, Tupperware, Mosquito, Human Kite, Call Girl and Doctor Timothy enter the base.

Call Girl had a band aid on her shoulder.

Whilst the Coon and a band aid wrapped around his hand.

Super Craig: Oh. There you guys are. How was the quest?

Toolshed: Pretty shocking.

Human Kite: Yeah. Anyway Kenny where were you? You kept disappearing from our quest?

Mysterion starts bashing his head against the table.

Coon Girl: You wouldn't believe what happened the other day.

Fast pass: Yes. W-w-w-we will tell you.

Narrator: And that story will be told-

Toolshed: I quit guys.

Mysterion: What?!

Toolshed: I quit guys.

Narrator: I was talking.

Tupperware: Stan why?

Toolshed: I hurt Call Girl.

Call Girl: Stan that wasn't your fault.

Toolshed: I'm sorry guys. Toolshed, is gone.

Toolshed leaves his seat.

Call Girl: Stan! We need you. I need you.

Toolshed: Goodbye guys.

Toolshed leaves the base.

Super Craig: That was sad. Ok now we'll tell the story.

Narrator: Boy that was depressing...Oh Sorry. And that story will be told when the writer will have some time on his hands.


End file.
